We can’t be told who we are or what to do, freedom, to be free is to fly maybe that is why I connect to the sky, the birds because of the flawless flight as they soar high. Landing stopping from time to time, to tree to tree, a new experience, a new place, a new dream, does it ever stop, do we ever stop wanting, desiring…NO. So why or how did I get here? Lost for twenty something years, a young adult out on my own, then a child having a child but I still feel wild and free. Parenting, yes although books will tell us how, they don’t know who I am so how will I learn through a manual all the while having an innate way of raising another being. Feeling so much pressure to do this right. Life is not a school or at least not like any school I’ve been to. Being trained to be told what to do and how to do it, yes there are rules, laws, ways of being that society feels comfortable with but my innate knowing felt like I wanted to break all the rules, they never made sense; be good, sit still, stop laughing, be quiet, be a proper girl, Sshhhh. The more I was told this the more I pushed back so I did all I knew, I broke the rules but was good at showing face to look ” GOOD” on the outside. Behind the scenes I did and tried things that would be labeled wrong, bad, dirty. So outside I looked okay but inside society would have me feeling shame, a rotting away because I felt I created a lie.
Not so much a lie but a disguise. But now I have to be responsible, get a job, a home, I wouldn’t have it any other way and wouldn’t take any of it back but wish I took more pride instead of creating a nest of anger and resentment inside. I followed the path of the white picket fence but never felt like I fit in that perfect world (which is really not that perfect). In fact I felt so lost until I was awaken. Now realizing I had been asleep, there is a wonderful world that lies outside and within. Once I was awoken to the truth of who I always been and the girl who was once outspoken, that stood up and talked back was okay all along. That little girl who dreamed big still lives free inside me. I am her and she is me.